


Hold on, I still want you.

by Mae_Grayson



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anorexia, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Protective Iwaizumi Hajime, it's not as sad as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25558291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mae_Grayson/pseuds/Mae_Grayson
Summary: Oikawa had always strived to be perfect.Whether it was volleyball, grades, or even himself.But sometimes he takes it too far, and Iwaizumi just has to watch his friend fall apart.A companion fic to my other one, "Chasing Cars" but it doesn't need to be read before this one.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 216





	Hold on, I still want you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I got this idea from a comment by sunnysunshinee!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy :)

“Oi, Shittykawa, I’m coming over tonight.” Iwaizumi says as the two grab their stuff and leave the locker room. 

Oikawa tries to disguise the panic he felt with a smile, “What? It’s a school night Iwa-chan. I’m just going to be doing homework all night.”

Iwaizumi ignores him and starts walking, “Good, you can help me with the calculus homework then. You understand integrals, right?”

“Pfft, of course I do.” Oikawa brags, but the tension never leaves his shoulders, “And when we finish we can discuss how we are going to beat Karasuno in the practice match tomorrow.”

Iwaizumi groans, “Can’t we just relax for one night?”

Oikawa gives him a cheeky smile, “We could always watch alien conspiracy videos, I’ve got a whole bunch lined up.”

“I swear to god, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi said.

He knew what the visit to Oikawa’s house would ensue, but he also wasn’t an idiot. He knows something’s been off with the setter for a while. While he had a good idea of what it might be, if he called his friend out like he normally did, it would be a disaster. 

But he wasn’t just going to sit back and watch him destroy himself again, he couldn’t.

When the two reached the house, Iwaizumi tried not to stare as the bones in Oikawa’s hand stuck out a bit too much as he pulled out his house key.

____________________________________________

“You know the drill, throw your stuff wherever, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa said as he threw his backpack down, “You’re spare pair of pajamas should be in the same spot as last time--”

Oikawa froze, he forgot what else he had in that drawer, “You know what, it's been a while, let me get them for you.”

Iwaizumi glared, “I remember which drawer it is, I can grab them.”

“I insist.” Oikawa says as he turns around, opening and closing the drawer in a split second.

Back when they were kids, they used to share clothes all of the time. However, Oikawa was around fourteen when he started to get sick, and then his clothes began to shrink with him. Even now, despite Iwaizumi being the shorter of the two, Oikawa’s clothes were several sizes too small. He hated it.

It became a joke on their volleyball team that Oikawa had a flat ass. And while yeah, it was all fun and games to watch as he would try and deny it, even joking doing a bunch of squats during training those days. It was just a constant reminder to Iwaizumi that his friend still wasn’t okay. He lacked the muscle that he should have for the amount that he trained. With how many hours he spent working out with the team, he should look more like Bokuto. But he doesn’t and he won’t.

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked, waving the clothes in front of his face.

Iwaizumi took the clothes out of his hand, “Thanks.”

“You zoned out for a minute there,” Oikawa jokes, “You dreading those integrals already?”

He rolled his eyes, “With you as a teacher, always.”

“Hey!”

____________________________________________

The two showered, Iwaizumi in the guest bathroom, Oikawa in his own, and got changed into their pajamas. Sure it was only around 7:30, but after training they wanted to be comfortable.

“What’s your plan for dinner?” Iwaizumi asked as they met up in the other’s room. 

Oikawa turned away from his friend, “I’m not very hungry, but I think we have some chicken nuggets in the freezer if you want them.”

Iwaizumi froze, sure he had knew that Oikawa would try and skip out on dinner, but he still hoped that he wouldn’t.

“You didn’t eat lunch, either.”

Oikawa pulled his math textbook off his shelf, “I’m just not hungry, maybe I’m coming down with something.”

“Oikawa.”

He turned around, “Yeah?”

Iwaizumi looked at him, “You know you need to eat.” He tried another tactic, “Besides you need your energy for the match tomorrow. You want to beat Kageyama, right?”

Oikawa bit his lip, “I guess I’ll have something light, like a salad. I’ll go make your food as well. You can get started on the calc homework, then whatever you need help with we’ll go over.”

____________________________________________

As soon as the taller boy was out of the room, Iwaizumi walked over to Oikawa’s dresser. He opened the top left drawer, the one where they normally keep his pajamas. 

He carefully felt around, making sure to not move any of the clothes around, Oikawa would know. And that’s when he found it.

A bottle of diet pills. 

Iwaizumi wanted to cry, he knew that Oikawa hasn’t been okay for a while, but to be this bad? He was scared. 

The last time this happened--

They don’t talk about that. 

He left the pills where they were, quietly closing the drawer. As much as he couldn’t focus, he pulled out his math homework, ignoring the concern growing in the back of his mind.

____________________________________________

When they were around 14, Oikawa had his first serious girlfriend. It was his last year of middle school, and he didn’t have girls lining up to date him like he did now. So when he told Iwa-chan that he had a date, he was really excited.

Iwaizumi never found out what actually happened on that date, they  _ never _ mentioned it. They act as if it never happened. But it did. 

The only thing Iwaizumi had remembered from that night was Oikawa calling him at one in the morning. He had wanted to know if Iwaizumi had thought he had gained weight lately. In which Iwaizumi hadn’t really thought much about it and told him that he really didn’t pay attention to shit like that. 

Oikawa didn’t ask him again, and Iwaizumi never got an explanation for what sparked the question. Sure, years later he could probably get an idea of why, but they don’t talk about it.

But Oikawa had always been a perfectionist, always striving to be the best he could be. However, neither of them thought it would ever turn out like this. 

____________________________________________

“Iwa-chan, I’ve got your chicken nuggets! Look, they’re dinosaur shaped.”

Iwaizumi snorted, “Oh my god, why?”

Oikawa shrugged with a smile on his face, “My parents bought them before going on their latest trip, sometimes I think that they forget I’m 18.”

“Yeah, cause you act like a child.” He says as he pops one of the nuggets in his mouth.

“Mean, Iwa-chan!” He said as he poked around at his salad. 

Iwaizumi so badly wanted to make him eat a few of the chicken nuggets, but he knew better than to push him. At least he was eating something, that’s good.

“How’s the homework going?”

Iwaizumi groaned, “Can’t I just enjoy my dino nuggets in peace?”

“Nope, calculus knows no peace, it’s always there, haunting you.” Oikawa says sticking out his tongue. 

Iwaizumi snorts, “Man, I guess that’s why I can never escape you.”

Oikawa let out a gasp, “Rude!”

____________________________________________

With the way they spoke to each other, sometimes people would wonder why Iwaizumi lets Oikawa hang around him. 

But the two have been together since they were toddlers. They shared good times and bad, both never leaving each other’s side. 

Iwaizumi knew about Oikawa being overly affectionate because his parents traveled a lot and he was alone all the time.

And Oikawa knew about the bruises on Iwaizumi’s knuckles from when he would get too angry and punch things. Never other people, usually just walls or lockers. 

But they knew everything about each other. 

Until Iwaizumi didn’t.

____________________________________________

Iwaizumi woke up around 2 am, after hearing rustling in the bed next to his cot. He pretended to stay asleep as he heard Oikawa get out of bed and leave the room. 

He pretended to ignore how he heard his friend return out of breath an hour later, as he slipped off his running sneakers.

He’d talk to him tomorrow.

____________________________________________

During lunch Oikawa had bought a protein shake from the school’s mini mart, sipping it slowly as Iwaizumi, Mattsun, and Makki, talked about the plan for their practice match that day. 

Iwaizumi had planned to bring up everything with Oikawa, but with the upcoming match and having to see Kageyama, he figured it wasn’t the best time.

But looking at his face and seeing the eye-bags he had tried to cover up, Iwaizumi knew he needed to talk to him soon.

Before it was too late.

____________________________________________

Oikawa was just under 16 when he was hospitalized. Iwaizumi really wasn’t sure how he’d gone almost two years like he did, but that wasn’t important.

He remembered his mom walking into his room saying that Oikawa was in the hospital, he’d passed out. But he was going to be okay.

Iwaizumi didn’t cry often, but as soon as he heard about his friend, he couldn’t stop it. Oikawa had started to slowly push himself away from everyone around him, avoiding them at lunch, after practice, even their text messages.

But the past few weeks had been scary.

Iwaizumi was forced to watch as his friend fade away. It wasn’t just his lack of energy, but he just wasn’t himself anymore. At first him and his friends had chalked it up to him and his girlfriend breaking up, but for a full year after? Oikawa wasn’t like that.

So he was forced to sit back and watch as Oikawa pushed himself for hours after practice ended, as he denied that things were not okay. As he had to watch his friend’s collar bones become more and more prevalent. As he had to watch as Oikawa’s clothes get smaller like he did.

He hated it.

Iwaizumi used to stay with Oikawa after practice, making sure his friend didn’t over do it in any way. But they had a fight after practice the day that Oikawa went to the hospital.

Iwaizumi had left him alone.

____________________________________________

When they had entered the gym that afternoon, Karasuno was already there.

However, the shorty wasn’t warming up with the rest of them. In fact, he was still wearing his uniform, just with the team jacket over it. He was sitting next to the two coaches, and it didn’t look like he’d be playing in their game.

How odd.

“Oi, Chibi-chan. How come you aren’t warming up? Are you really that confident you guys will win?” Oikawa asked with a smirk.

Hinata seemed to shrink, looking at the ground, “I’m not playing.”

Even Iwaizumi raised his eyebrows at that, “Huh? You’re benched, Hinata?”

“Something like that,” Hinata muttered, “But we’re still gonna win!”

And that’s when Iwaizumi noticed the same collar bones that stuck out on Oikawa, they were the same with Hinata. The younger boy’s cheek bones stuck out a bit too much, and his team jacket was too big, despite being over his uniform.

Hinata started to fidget under the stare, and Ukai and Takeda were focused on watching the team warm up.

Iwaizumi was so focused on analyzing the shrimp, that he didn’t notice the other blocker walk over.

“Oi, do you two really not have anything better to do than interrogate him?” Tsukishima glared.

Pushing his glasses up, he looked at the other two. Iwaizumi looked panicked, a much different expression than his usual concentration and annoyance. And then he looked at Oikawa, and he knew. 

Tsukishima’s eyes widened and then he looked back down at Hinata who had reached up to feel his collar bones. He’d noticed too. 

Hinata had only been released a few days ago. He was eating, so they cleared him and allowed him to be part of an out-patient program instead. He was nowhere near being cleared to play volleyball again, but he was allowed to attend the practice game that day.

But Tsukishima didn’t like how he could hear Hinata’s breath speeding up.

He put a hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder, “Let’s take a walk.” 

He then turned to tell his coach the same thing, leaving the two other boys to stare in shock of what they just watched. 

____________________________________________

Iwaizumi remembered the first time he confronted Oikawa. The night they had the fight in the gym. 

He brought up the fact that he found the bottle of diet pills and laxatives in his backpack, and demanded to know why.

Oikawa of course, argued and denied it. 

They went back and forth for thirty minutes, neither getting any further with their argument.

But eventually Iwaizumi got fed up, demanding that if he really wanted, Oikawa could keep going until he killed himself.

Oikawa passed out at the gym, Iwaizumi wasn’t there. 

If things had gone worse, that would have been his last conversation with his best friend.

____________________________________________

After the match, which Aoba Johsai had won, the third years had grouped together to talk. 

Iwaizumi walked over to Karasuno’s third years and asked, “What’s up with Hinata?”

Suga had grimaced, “He just got out of the hospital, he’s being treated for an eating disorder. He passed out a few weeks ago in practice.”

So he was right.

Damn.

Iwaizumi had cornered Tsukishima before he left, the other being annoyed with the situation.

“What?”

“You seem to know how to help Hinata.” Iwaizumi started, and the other’s eyes widened behind his glasses, “How do you convince someone in that situation to get help.”

“It’s not exactly an easy thing, when their minds are set, there really isn’t changing it, trust me. It takes a lot to convince you,” He froze, hoping the other wouldn’t notice his slip up, “But if you’re talking about Oikawa, just try and help him as much as you can. Without pushing them. He looks a lot worse than the last time we had a match.”

Iwaizumi had to agree. 

____________________________________________

Iwaizumi waited for the rest of the team to leave, before following Oikawa out of the gym. He raised an eyebrow at his friend, but Oikawa just kept walking.

“Can I stay at your house tonight, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked, his voice cracking slightly. 

“Of course.”

The rest of the walk was spent in silence.

____________________________________________

Back then, Oikawa had spent a little while in a facility. Iwaizumi was allowed to visit him there, but he tried not to. 

He hated seeing his friend like that, it just wasn’t right.

But then his mom mentioned that Oikawa had been asking for him, so he sucked it up and skipped practice one day to go see him.

He couldn’t even hide the smile on his face when he signed himself in as a guest and heard his friend yell “Iwa-chan!” from down the hallway.

____________________________________________

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked as he sat on his friend's bed, grabbing a pillow and hugging it, “I think I fucked up.”

Iwaizumi sat next to his friend, “It’s okay. What’s going on?”

“I think I might have relapsed.” He said, tears forming in his eyes, “I didn’t mean to, Iwa-chan. I thought I was in control. I really did. But then I saw Chibi-chan today, and I just--why am I like this?”

Oikawa looked up at his friend and Iwaizumi reached out to hug him, Oikawa was still hugging the pillow as he collapsed in his arms.

“I just can’t stop, but part of me doesn’t want to. And I know it’s stupid because I’m only hurting myself but--I just want to be perfect! I have to be. But I’m just a fucking mess. I always have been. This is why everyone leaves me.” He catches his breath between sobs, “My parents, the team, even you! One day you’ll get tired of me and leave too.”

Iwaizumi hugged the boy tighter, “I’m still here, aren’t I? I didn’t leave last time, and I’m not going anywhere this time, as well.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Oikawa buried his face in his friend’s chest.

“Tooru, you’re perfect when you’re you. The great volleyball player who stays up ‘till 2 am sending me alien theories and videos.” He says, “You’re perfect when you aren't trying to be.”

“I can’t stop it, Iwa-chan. My brain just won’t stop.”

“I know. We’re gonna get you some help, okay? I’ll be right by your side the whole time.”

Oikawa shook his head in the other’s chest, “You have better things to worry about.”

“Nope, you are the most important.”

“Please don’t leave me,” Oikawa whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

____________________________________________

Iwaizumi had hope for his friend, he remembered how proud he was when Oikawa was released from treatment the first time.

His smile lit up his face, and he looked less like he was going to collapse. Sure there were still a lot of hard times, but just having his friend next to him was worth it.

He knew Oikawa would get there again.

And he’d be there every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you guys think!
> 
> -Mae


End file.
